top of page
  • Writer's pictureHina Siddiqui

Fears






“Don’t look at me, this was your idea.”


Tabi frowned. Well, Yuki would say he was pouting. But Yuki lived in a home made from a shipping container, so what did Yuki know.


The man himself was sitting on the window ledge, looking very much like he didn’t want to be here. Mayu sat on the sofa. Waiting patiently. Like she always did. Like she always had to for him.


Maybe he should put that on the whiteboard first. That he was scared that Mayu would stop being patient someday soon. That would get the ball rolling wonderfully.


Trying not to sigh, Tabi laid out what his therapist had told him last week.


“There are no rules for what we are. I mean, there’s some stuff on Google. But even so, each polyamorous relationship is different. So, there are no rules. But that does not have to be a bad thing. It can be a good thing… and…”


“Tabi, sweetheart,” Mayu interrupted his rambling. She had that gentle smile of hers. “Why don’t you try telling us what you want us to do here?” she offered. She turned behind her to where Yuki was sitting. “Yuki, darling, come sit down. Listen?”


Yuki did as he was asked. He always did when Mayu asked. Things with him were so new. And Tabi understood that Yuki’s nervousness was reasonable.


Both of them were looking at him expectantly now.


“So, it’s simple. We just put down on the whiteboard the things we fear. Regarding our relationship. Reasons it won’t work. Insecurities. Apprehensions. Whatever we can recognize within ourselves. At the moment.”


“Okay,” Mayu pursed her lips, “I think I need a minute to process that.”


“I don’t need a minute,” Yuki interjected, “I know what I am afraid of. I’m afraid that you guys will realize that you are perfect together and I’m just getting in the way and that soon, you will go back to the way you were before… and… and I’ll be left alone again.”


Tabi immediately wanted to tell him that he was being stupid. But that was something his therapist had expressly warned against. But as soon as he suppressed his anger, another ugly feeling reared in the background to take its place.


“I’m afraid that the two of you will have sex and that it’ll be so good that you’ll forget about me.”


That was it then. It was out there. His biggest insecurity. Who would stay with him if he didn’t want to have sex? That’s what everyone wanted ultimately. And he couldn’t give them that. He looked away. This stupid exercise was his idea and it had barely started and he already wanted to cry.


“Well, aren’t we just peas in a pod?” Mayu said with a small laugh. Both men looked up at her. “The two of you have known each other forever. I saw how broken you were Yuki, when Tabi wouldn’t talk to you. And you’ve told me how much you missed your best friend Tabs, when Yuki moved out of town. So, in my head, with the three of us, I’m the outsider. The two of you have never needed a girl before. So I guess, I’m scared that now that you have each other again, you’ll stop needing me.”


Both men started talking, trying to disabuse her of the notion that she was the outsider. But Mayu only laughed louder.


“I think it’s a good sign that our first instinct when we list out our fears is to reassure the other, don’t you?” she said.


“Yes, but we can’t dismiss these fears with reassurance, that’s the point,” Tabi said, feeling in control of the situation again.


“Alright then, put them on the whiteboard,” Mayu announced, her laughing fit at an end.


“Okay you two,” Tabi turned to the board, raising his marker. “What else?”






If you're looking for some insight in to polyamorous relationships, this article by New York-based sex and wellness writer, Gabrielle Kassel is a great place to start.


Image Credit: Beached Whale, Ida Bagus Nyoman Rai - Sanur, Bali, Indonesia. Ink wash on canvas. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)


Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page